


Broken

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:23:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy is concerned when he cannot reach Barbara on the phone or in person.</p>
<p>In the words of CBS Reality - this work contains adult themes and emotions</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I hadn’t been able to contact Barbara all weekend. While we didn’t live in each other’s pockets, we had been partners for years, friends for just as long, and we were always there for each other, in work or out of it, which was why I was concerned that she hadn’t returned any of my calls or my texts. Twice during the weekend I had driven to her flat and, although her car was parked in its usual place, her flat appeared abandoned; there was no sound from the television or radio, and the curtains were closed. I’d tried calling her as I was standing on her doorstep, but all I could hear were her landline and her mobile ringing from behind the closed front door.

It was bright and early on Monday morning and I was already at my desk. Every time the door opened I looked up, hoping that it would be her walking through it, but it never was.

I looked at my watch; she wasn’t late yet but the concern I had felt all weekend was lying heavy in the pit of my stomach. I had to fight to stop myself from leaping out of my chair, snatching up my keys and heading out to her flat again. Somehow I knew that something was very wrong. We had a connection, we could speak without words, instinctively knowing what the other was thinking or feeling, what the other needed, and right now that connection was telling me that I needed to do something.

I looked at my watch again but time appeared to be crawling. The feeling that I should be doing something, anything except sitting in my office and just waiting, washed over me again, so I snatched up my desk phone and hit the speed dial for Barbara’s home number; it just rang and rang until the answerphone kicked in; I didn’t leave a message. I ended the call and then tried her mobile number, the response was the same, only this time I was told that the mailbox of the person I was calling was full and that I should try later. I slammed down the phone in frustration.

This was not usual behaviour for Barbara. She might well be the most argumentative and difficult woman on the planet, but she was conscientious, dedicated to the job and, if it didn’t sound too big headed, she was dedicated to me. There was no way that she would just go off grid without telling me. Even when we argued we had each other’s back. Nothing and no one could come between us; each of us was the most important person to the other, no exceptions.

I picked up my mug and wandered out into the communal office. A few other team members had arrived. 

“Has anyone heard from Havers this morning?”

I tried to keep my voice and my demeanour calm and controlled; not giving away the concern or the growing panic that were feeding each other deep inside of me. I was met with blank looks and shaking heads. 

“If anyone does, can you let me know immediately.”

I didn’t wait for a response, turning on my heel and walking back into my office.

~*~

I looked up expectantly when I heard a knock on my door, but was disappointed to see that it was Winston.

“The others said that you were asking about Barbara Sir, is there something wrong?”

I gestured for him to come into the office. He closed the door behind him and sat down in the chair in front of my desk. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed deeply.

“I haven’t been able to get hold of her all weekend. Have you heard from her?”

Winston shook his head.

“No Sir. Did you… I know it’s none of my business but… no, forget I asked.”

“Do you have something to say Constable?” 

I looked him straight in the eye, and was surprised when he held my gaze.

“I know that you were going for a pint after work on Friday; did you two have another argument?”

I stood up violently, my chair skittering across the room behind me as I did so. “No we didn’t have another bloody argument!” Winston looked down at his shoes and I knew that I had gone too far. I retrieved my chair and sat back down.

“I’m sorry Winston; you had every right to ask that question.”

Winston met my gaze again. “You’re really worried about her, aren’t you Sir?”

“Yes Winston, I really am. This is so unlike Barbara.” I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “I can’t help thinking…” my voice trailed off, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud.

“Have you checked her bank account and credit cards?”

“We don’t have just cause to do that.”

“Are you telling me that you don’t want me to check them Sir?” 

“No Winston, I’m not telling you that, but I’m also not telling you that you should or that you have to.”

He stood and made his way towards the door. With his hand on the handle he turned back to face me, “I will let you know what I discover.” He opened the door and stepped through it. “We will find her Sir.” He closed the door behind him.

“I hope you’re right Winston,” I muttered to the empty room.

~*~

Winston discovered that Barbara’s bank account and credit cards hadn’t been used since the previous Friday. I decided that now was the time to go and speak to Hillier. I had no proof that anything had happened to Barbara, but I knew her, and the fact that I couldn’t contact her was a giant red flag as far as I was concerned.

I knocked on Hillier’s door and waited for him to answer.

“Come in… ah, Lynley, what can I do for you?”

“I’m concerned about Sergeant Havers Sir. I haven’t been able to contact her at all this weekend, she hasn’t come into work today, she is not answering either of her phones, and her bank account and credit cards have been untouched since Friday. This isn’t like Barbara Sir, and I am very concerned about her.”

I saw Hillier’s raised eyebrows when I mentioned Barbara’s finances but I didn’t care. If me bending the law in order to check on a colleague earned me a black mark on my record then so be it, the only thing, the only person I cared about, was Barbara.

“I agree with you Lynley, this is very out of character for Havers, but she might just be ill. Have you been round to her home, have you checked that she isn’t there?”

I bit down a scathing response that Barbara would have been proud of; now was not the time for me to lose my temper. I needed Hillier on side.

“I have been to her flat twice over the weekend. Her car is there, and when I called her I could hear both of her phones ringing inside. I want to enter her flat and have a look around.”

“Lynley, don’t you think that you might be overreacting?”

“With respect Sir, no I do not! I have been Barbara’s partner for years. In all of those years she has been difficult and argumentative, even insubordinate, but in that time she has never once failed to come into work or failed to notify someone if there was a reason that she couldn’t. She is conscientious and diligent; she is probably the best detective sergeant I have ever worked with. Something is wrong here Sir, and I want your permission to search her flat. I have a key, and I will do it anyway, but in case anything untoward has happened, I want you to authorise me to do this, I want everything to be by the book.”

“Okay Lynley, I’ll trust your judgment on this. You have my permission to go into Detective Sergeant Havers flat and search it, but only if she doesn’t answer the door after a reasonable time, and you must take Detective Constable Nkata with you. I also want you to keep me informed at all times.”

“Of course Sir, thank you Sir.”

“I hope you are wrong Lynley.”

“So do I.”

~*~

In the back of my mind I knew that I was in pain, but it hardly registered. I was sitting in my shower, trying to make myself as small and as invisible as I could. I had been crying at some point, but now I had run out of tears. I had no idea how long I had been here, I couldn’t even remember why I had come into the bathroom. The only clear thought in my mind was Tommy. I fixed on his image and his name, and held onto it tightly; the one thing that made sense in my confused mind. Tommy was my friend. Tommy cared about me and I cared about him. Tommy would miss me. Tommy would know that something was wrong and, eventually, Tommy would come. I had to believe that; it was the only thing keeping me sane.

~*~

Winston stood patiently beside me while I tried Barbara’s numbers again. We had tried knocking, and had attempted to look through the window, but we were hampered by the drawn curtains. I knew that this was pointless, and that we were wasting time, but I had to follow Hillier’s instructions, especially as I was sure that there was something highly suspicious and possibly criminal behind Barbara’s silence. If it turned out that it needed a police investigation, I didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardise that. As soon as the disembodied voice began to tell me that the mailbox was full I ended the call.

“We’ve waited long enough!” I offered up a silent prayer that I was going to be proved wrong, hoped that if I was Barbara would forgive me, and then used the key that she had given me for emergencies to unlock the front door. If this wasn’t an emergency, then I didn’t know what was.

I stepped into the semi darkness of her flat. In the light from the open front door I could see her post lying on the small kitchen table. Next to it was a half-finished breakfast consisting of a chewed piece of toast and the remains of a cup of coffee, and next to that were her keys and her phone. Her coat was draped over the back of one of the kitchen chairs, her bag on the seat of the same. 

“She’s not here, is she Sir?”

“We haven’t checked the whole flat yet. You take the lounge and I’ll do the bedroom and the bathroom.”

Winston nodded and headed off to the lounge while I made my way towards the bedroom. The room was as empty as the rest of the flat, and I didn’t hold out much hope that the bathroom would be any different. I pushed open the door and stopped dead. Barbara was huddled in the shower, her arms wrapped around her legs, her forehead resting on her knees. She was rocking back and forth, her whole body shaking. She didn’t react to me entering the room.

“Barbara?”

I approached her carefully. As I got closer I noticed that her hands and arms were covered in scratches and bruises. I was horrified.

“Oh Barbara.”

“She’s not in the lounge Sir… bloody hell!”

I tried to use my body to block his view.

“Not now Winston! Call for an ambulance and then wait by the car for them.”

I was relieved that he didn’t argue with me, now wasn’t the time for explanations, and I was sure that Barbara didn’t want her colleague staring at her in her current condition, whatever that was. As Winston walked away I turned back to Barbara; she hadn’t moved.

I crouched down beside the shower. It was then that I noticed that she was wearing her pyjamas, and they were torn and bloody. I swallowed hard to try and bite down on the rage that was building inside of me.

“Barbara, it’s Tommy.”

There was still no reaction from her, it was as if she couldn’t hear me. I reached out and gently touched her arm, she flinched violently and it was then that I saw her face, it was as beaten and bloody as her arms. She looked around her, her expression one of sheer terror, and my heart broke for her.

“Oh Barbara, what happened to you?”

I tried to touch her again but was met with the same reaction. Whatever had happened to her, it had damaged her far more than just physically.

“Barbara, it’s me, Tommy. I’m not going to hurt you; I would never hurt you. I want to help you.”

She looked at me with tear filled eyes, and I could see her begin to recognise me.

“Tommy?”

I had wanted to hear her call me by my given name for years, but now it almost killed me. Her voice was small and frightened.

“Yes Barbara, yes, it’s me, Tommy.” 

I reached up to her towel rail and pulled down the large, fluffy bath sheet that was hanging there. 

“You look cold Barbara, can I put this around your shoulders, it will make you warmer?”

“Tommy?”

I took her saying my name as permission, mainly because I didn’t think that she was capable of saying anything else at the moment. I draped the large towel around her and was relieved when she didn’t flinch again.

“What happened to you Barbara?” 

I didn’t get a verbal response. Her tear filled eyes were fixed on my face, and she was looking at me with an expression of pure anguish. I wanted to kill whoever it was who had taken my feisty and courageous friend and turned her into this faded facsimile of the person I knew and loved. No one deserved to be attacked, but especially not Barbara. I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost missed the fact that a battered little hand was now resting on my sleeve.

“Tommy.” This time my name wasn’t a question.

Her touch, and the change in her voice made me snap my attention fully onto her.

“Yes Barbara?”

It was at that moment Winston returned to the flat, accompanied by the paramedics. I was annoyed that we had been interrupted, that the moment for her to tell me whatever it was she had been about to was lost, but I was glad that help had arrived and I was relieved to see that they were women. After she flinched when I touched her I wasn’t sure how Barbara would have reacted to men. I tried to stand to move out of their way, but the grip on my arm grew tighter.

“No Tommy!”

I turned my attention back to Barbara, she was becoming agitated again.

“I won’t leave you Barbara, but these ladies need to look at you; you need to go to hospital.”

“No Tommy.”

I sighed inwardly, this was not going to be easy, and I feared that I would have to betray Barbara’s trust in order for her to get the medical help that she needed.

“Barbara, I promise you that I will stay with you but you need to go to hospital. I need you to let these ladies help you. I need you to go with them.”

“Tommy?”

“I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t important. I need you to go to hospital. I need you to be okay Barbara; will you do this for me?”

She nodded, but looked so defeated that my heart broke for her just a little more. I stood and went over to Winston to let the paramedics do their work.

“Has she told you what happened Sir?”

“No, but the moment we leave for the hospital I want SOCO in here. I also need you to update Hillier and explain to him where I am.” I passed Winston my keys. “I am going to go in the ambulance with Barbara, I need you to take my car back to the yard for me when you are finished here.”

I saw Winston blanche slightly, but to his credit he just accepted the keys and nodded.

“I will take care of everything, you just concentrate on Barbara Sir.”

I nodded, “I intend to.”

~*~

Somewhere in the distance I could hear the front door open. My whole body tensed, fearing what was to come. I had no idea what was happening, but a large part of me was convinced it wouldn’t be good. I tried to fight the fear, silently repeating Tommy’s name over and over in my mind. It had become my talisman, my protection; it was all the protection I had left.

~*~

I had rolled out my Lord Asherton persona in order to get Barbara the best care possible. Once she had been through the necessary indignity of the accident and emergency department I had arranged for her to have a private room. I thought that having too many people around her, staring at her, was probably the last thing that she needed.

I hadn’t been able to stay in the cubicle with her while she was having her initial assessment, forensic examinations, and treatment, but I had made enough of a nuisance of myself in order to stay with her after that. They had given her a mild sedative, and that had been sufficient to stop her shaking. I had made sure that I was sitting close to her so that she knew I had kept my promise and had stayed with her, and when she had reached for my hand I had welcomed the contact with immense relief.

She was currently asleep, her hand still holding firmly onto mine. The anger that had consumed me when I first saw her was still simmering away in the pit of my stomach. I was furious that someone could have hurt her. It was fortunate that my need to be with her and keep her safe was far greater than my need for retribution. If I were to lay eyes on the person who had done this, it would take an army to stop me from tearing them apart with my bare hands and enjoying each and every moment.

I had been very fluid with the truth when explaining my relationship with Barbara; I was prepared to say anything in order to keep my promise not to leave her, so if the doctors and nursing staff believed that I was her romantic partner and not just her work partner then so be it. I was not leaving her, even if she told me to, there was no way that I was leaving her to face what had happened to her alone.

I knew the full extent of her injuries, and from that my mind was taking an almost perverse delight in mentally torturing me with numerous scenarios of what Barbara had been through. The worse thing was discovering that she had been raped. It had taken me a few minutes to digest precisely what I was being told, and then, when the information had finally sunk in, I had felt physically sick. While Barbara had been receiving treatment I had placed a call to Hillier and updated him on her condition. I had also told him that I wasn’t leaving her side. He had warned me that I shouldn’t get too involved, but I shut him down. I told him that he needed to find someone else to head up the investigation because I was taking indefinite leave until such time as Barbara was well again. I didn’t give him the chance to argue and ended the call; I had made my decision.

Barbara started to become distressed; the grip she had on my hand tightened, and she began to thrash about, tossing and turning her head on the pillow. I used my thumb to stroke the palm of the hand that I was holding, knowing that any attempt to soothe her had to be done cautiously after everything that she had been through.

I spoke to her softly, my voice barely more than a whisper.

“It’s alright Barbara, it’s me, Tommy, I am here with you and no one is going to hurt you.”

I didn’t know if she was aware of me, but I wasn’t going to give up trying to calm her and let her know that I was here for her. I repeated what I had just said.

“It’s okay Barbara, I am here with you. I’m not going to let anyone or anything hurt you.”

As I spoke to her, her eyes flew open. She looked around in a panic.

“It’s me Barbara, it’s Tommy.”

Her eyes suddenly focussed on me.

“Tommy? Where am I?”

I stood so that I could look her straight in the face. I kept my voice soft, and I didn’t let up on stroking her hand, which, despite her injuries was still holding mine in a death grip.

“You’re in hospital Barbara, you’ve been injured. I came to your flat to look for you because you were late for work, do you remember?”

“I… I was supposed to be at work?”

“Yes Barbara, but that doesn’t matter now, what matters is that I found you and you are safe. All you have to do now is get well, I am not going to let anything happen to you again.”

“I remember answering the door, he said he had a parcel for me, I went to sign for it, he pushed his way into the flat.”

“You don’t have to tell me Barbara.” I wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear all of the details.

“He shut the door behind him, I tried to fight him, he hit me, over and over again. When I was on the floor, he climbed on top of me… it hurt”

Tears were streaming down both of our faces and my heart was breaking all over again. I had been correct, I wasn’t ready to hear all of the details, but I also realised that this wasn’t about me, this was about Barbara and what she needed; she had been there for me so many times, now it was my turn, I had to man up and support her.

“All I could think about was dying; I wanted to die. If I died, then I wouldn’t know what was happening to me. If I died, then he could do what he wanted to my body and it wouldn’t matter. But I didn’t die, I just lay there and let him do whatever he wanted to me anyway.”

To hear that she had wanted to die hit me hard. “Oh Barbara, I am so sorry.”

“When he was finished, he climbed off me and stood up; I do remember he removed a condom, but I don’t know what he did with it. He just left me lying there and let himself out of the flat. Once I was sure that he wasn’t coming back, I got up off the floor, locked the door, tidied up where we had fought, and I went to have a shower. After that, I don’t remember anything until you arrived.”

“It doesn’t matter Barbara, you are alive, that’s the most important thing. I couldn’t bear it if…” My voice was breaking along with my heart. I looked back into her eyes and could see right to the centre of her soul. There was damage there, but also something else, something I couldn’t quite define. She freed her hand and shakily reached out to my face, and I leant into her touch.

I perched on the edge of the bed, and Barbara sat forward, wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my chest. I put my arms around her, my mind returning to the time in Suffolk when I had held her outside the pub after she had been held hostage. Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, I stroked her back, being wary of the injuries that I knew had to be hidden under her functional hospital gown. I could feel her tears soaking my shirt, they burned me like acid, and I hated that I hadn’t used the key she had given me much earlier; I hated that she had been alone, in shock, pain and distress. I wished more than anything that this hadn’t happened to her.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you Barbara.”

She pulled back from my chest to look me in the face. Her hand reached out again, bruised and battered fingers stroking my cheek.

“No Tommy, I knew you would come. I didn’t know much of anything else, but you have never let me down, and I knew you wouldn’t this time. It didn’t matter how long it took, I knew you would come to me. You were the one sane thing I had to hold on to.”

Her face went back against my chest, as if she were embarrassed by what she had just said. I rested my cheek against her hair and let my arms tighten their hold. I had forgotten how good it felt to have her in my arms, to know that she was safe, and all the feelings and emotions that I had buried deep inside of me for so many years bubbled to the surface. At that moment, cradling her against my body, I knew that I loved her completely; and I also knew that I would do everything in my power to make sure that no one ever hurt her again.

I felt her relax into my embrace, she nestled to get comfortable. I wanted to continue holding her, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sit like this for long before my back protested loudly. I shifted awkwardly, not wanting to disturb her but knowing that I would have to.

“Barbara, I’m sorry but…”

She pulled away from me, and I could see from her expression that she thought that I was going to reject her. I hooked a finger under her chin and made her look at me.  
“I want to keep holding you, and I will, but I just need to move to a more comfortable position.”

I got up and then lay on the edge of the narrow bed so that I was facing her. There wasn’t much room but there was enough. 

“Are you okay with this Barbara?”

She didn’t respond verbally, instead she lay down and slid her arm over my hip, her face once again nestling against my chest. I slid my arm around her and rested my head atop of hers. Once again I felt her relax into my embrace.

“You sleep; I will be here when you wake. I’m not going anywhere.”

I resumed stroking her back as she drifted off to sleep. While I was relieved that she was talking to me, I was still worried. The way Barbara was behaving towards me wasn’t typical for her. Although we were friends there was always a distance between us, as if there was a line that she wasn’t confident enough to cross. She always called me sir, and it was me who instigated any touching between us, normally a brief shoulder hug, or a hand placed gently against the small of her back. To have her hugging me, calling me Tommy; as much as it meant the world to me, as much as I knew we both needed the contact, I also knew that it was the calm before the storm. Barbara was so fragile, and that definitely wasn’t a side of her that she usually showed to the world. I had a feeling that there was a whole world of pain coming before we both made it out of the other side of this nightmare. Right now I would take the calm, and use the opportunity to rest, gain strength and regroup. Whatever happened, I was in this for the duration. I would take whatever she threw at me, be whatever she needed me to be, I would stand shoulder to shoulder with her, and I would help her make it through, whatever the cost.

~*~

My life had changed, and it wasn’t a change that I had chosen. That had always been the way my life went; changing without me having any say so. There was one constant through it all; one bright spark in the darkness, Tommy. Right now Tommy was holding me and I felt… I searched for the right word… I felt safe. As long as he was there with me; as long as he held me, I knew that everything would be okay. I couldn’t think too far into the future, that was unknown territory for me; but right here and right now, I could just about cope with that.

~*~

I was woken by the nurse coming in to check on Barbara. She gasped when she saw us. I pressed my finger to my lips.

“Shush, she’s sleeping.” I whispered as I extracted myself from Barbara’s embrace and sat up.

“You shouldn’t be here sir, visiting time finished hours ago.”

“She didn’t want me to leave her, and after everything she has been through, I am never leaving her on her own again.”

“She will be perfectly safe.”

I gently slid off the bed and gestured for the nurse to follow me just outside the room.

“We are both police officers, and Barbara Havers is my partner at work as well as in life. She is my best friend, my everything. We were apart and someone raped her, I am not leaving her so, with the greatest of respect, I do not particularly care what your visiting hours’ policy is. As long as Barbara is in this hospital I will be with her, and if I can’t then one of our colleagues will be. Do I make myself clear?”

The nurse nodded, but she looked nervous, and I feared that I had overstepped the mark.

“I am sorry if I was abrupt; but I hope you can appreciate how very difficult this is for me, and how horrendous this is for Barbara. I feel as if I let her down, and I don’t ever want to do that again.”

The nurse smiled compassionately at me, “I understand sir.”

“Thank you.” I sat back beside Barbara’s bed while the nurse did what she needed to. I was pleased that Barbara didn’t wake, I wanted her to get as much rest as possible. The nurse left the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

I settled back in the uncomfortable chair and watched Barbara sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

The next morning I left the room while Barbara had a wash and freshened up. I wanted to respect her privacy as much as possible, her attacker had taken that away from her. I took the opportunity to grab a quick coffee.

When I returned back to her she was lying quietly in her bed and looked very subdued. I decided to keep my voice light and be guided by her.

“Feeling a bit more rested?”

Barbara turned to me, “they have said that I can go home later today… I can’t go back there Tommy.”

“You can stay with me for as long as you want to, if you want to that is.”

“Are you sure that I won’t be in the way?”

I took both of her hands in mine, “you are never in the way Barbara. My house is your house for as long as you want, for as long as you need.”

“Thank you Tommy.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. Do you want me to go to the flat and collect some clothes for you?”

“No, I don’t want anything from that place.”

“Then would you object if I called Judith and asked her to go shopping for you? She is up in London for a charity event but I’m sure she would have time.”

“I don’t want to cause anyone any trouble.”

“You’re not. I’m just going to pop outside and call her. I won’t be long.”

I stood outside the door of her room so that she could still see me through the small window, fished my mobile from my pocket, called up Judith’s number, pressed call, and then waited for her to answer.

“I need a favour Judith.”

“And hello to you too Tommy.”

“I’m sorry for my curtness but I’m just not in the mood.”

Judith’s tone changed, “what’s happened Tommy?”

“It’s Barbara. She was attacked in her flat on Saturday. I found her yesterday morning when she didn’t come in for work and I have been at the hospital with her since. They are discharging her today and she is coming to stay with me, but she has no clothing or toiletries, and she doesn’t want anything from her flat.”

“Do you have a list or shall I just get what I think she will need and then we can get anything else later? I can roughly guess her size.”

I released a breath that I hadn’t realised that I had been holding. “She needs something to wear from the hospital, nightwear, underwear, comfortable clothing because…” my voice trailed off; I didn’t want to break any confidences and I couldn’t bring myself to vocalise the exact nature of Barbara’s injuries.

“I understand Tommy; I can be there in a couple of hours.”

“Can you do me another favour?”

“Of course.”

“I got Winston to take my car back to the Met, can you collect it for me and bring it to the hospital? I am going to need it to get us home. I will call Winston and let him know that you will be coming to collect it.”

“Of course; I will be about two and a half hours including picking up the car; where do you want me to meet you?”

“We are in the private wing of the St Pancras hospital. If you call me when you are in the car park, then I will come and meet you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think that Barbara would want you to see her like this.”

“Are you alright Tommy?”

“I’m fine, it’s not me that you need to worry about.”

“I know how much you care for Barbara; this cannot be easy on you.”

“However hard it is for me; it is a hundred times worse for her. She has been there for me so often, now it is my turn to carry her and let her use my strength for a change.”

“I don’t doubt that Tommy, but I know that you will be blaming yourself for what has happened.”

“It was my fault. I tried to contact her, and I drove over to her flat twice during the weekend. She was in there all alone. I had a bloody key Judith and yet I didn’t use it. I thought, well I don’t know what I thought, but I should have done more.”

“It wasn’t your fault Tommy, there was no possible way you could have known what had happened. I am sure that Barbara doesn’t blame you, if she did she wouldn’t be accepting your help. Please don’t beat yourself up about this, or try to find the solution in a bottle of whiskey. If you need to talk to someone then talk to me.”

“Thank you Judith, but I promise you I am not going to fall apart. Barbara needs me to be strong, and I am not going to let her down. I will see you in a couple of hours.”

“See you later Tommy.”

I ended the call and wandered back into Barbara’s room. She was sleeping again, something I was pleased about, I couldn’t imagine she had had any rest from the time she was attacked to the time she had fallen asleep in the hospital. She could sleep all that she needed; they weren’t going to throw her out while I was paying the bill.

I slumped back into the chair by her bed, rubbing my forehead to try and ease the headache that I knew was building. I felt as if I were living on my nerves. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to help Barbara through everything that she was going to experience in the coming weeks and months; this was way beyond anything I had ever done before; but I would be there for her, every second of every minute of every hour. I would make sure that she had access to the best healthcare professionals, the best therapists, she would want for nothing, and I would make sure that she didn’t go down the same road that I had travelled after Helen had died; there was no way that I would let her withdraw from me or shut me out.

~*~

I was glad that Tommy had said that I could stay with him; not that I would have let him leave me, as pathetic as it made me, I really couldn’t function without him. I couldn’t face going back to my flat; the place that had once been my sanctuary was now a place of fear. I never wanted to go back there if I could possibly help it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

I helped Barbara out of the car and she clung to me. I closed the car door, then reached over with my free hand and squeezed hers. She looked around her nervously so I squeezed her hand again.

“I told you Barbara, nothing is going to happen to you, I won’t let it. You are safe with me.”

I led her up the steps of my town house, unlocked the door and then guided her inside and into the lounge. She sat down heavily on the sofa, squeezing herself into the corner. I crouched down in front of her.

“I need to pop back out to the car to collect your bags; I will be five minutes maximum, I promise you.”

“I’ll… I’ll be fine Tommy.”

I squeezed her hand again, “I won’t be long, just shout if you need me.”

~*~

As Tommy helped me out of the car I started to shake. I felt scared and exposed. I trusted Tommy to look after me; but I couldn’t help or control the emotions that were coursing through me. I hated feeling so weak, but again that was something that I couldn’t control. I had become someone I didn’t recognise.

~*~

Barbara was asleep on the sofa, her head in my lap, and I was stroking her hair. Her behaviour was both puzzling and worrying to me. It seemed that she was terrified of anyone male that wasn’t me; once she had been more with it I had seen her reaction to the male doctors, nurses and porters who crossed her path at the hospital. With me she was completely different to how she had been before the attack. It had started in the hospital but now she did not seem to be able to relax fully unless she could touch me. She appeared to need to have physical contact with me; it was as if being tangibly connected to me somehow grounded her and made her feel safe. I wasn’t complaining; I just wished that the impetus hadn’t needed to be so horrific. I also didn’t want her to become dependent on me; I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and she had proved time and time again that she would do the same for me; but I didn’t want her to lose the personality traits that made Barbara who she was, that made her the woman that I loved with all of my heart.

I looked at my watch, it was still early in the evening, and neither of us had eaten. I had thought about getting some food delivered, but after what Barbara had told me about her attack, I was concerned that she might react badly to someone coming to the door. Perhaps I could cook. I wasn’t sure what I had in, but there had to be something edible in the kitchen. If all else failed, then I could make toast. I smiled at the memory of sitting in her flat eating toast, but then I looked down at her battered and bruised frame and felt sad that a home she had been so proud of was now somewhere that she couldn’t bear to be.

I stroked her head and spoke quietly to her, “Barbara? Would you like something to eat?”

She stirred in my lap; her eyes fluttering open.

“I’m sorry to wake you Barbara, but I wondered if you would like something to eat. I can cook for us.”

“I don’t want to put you to any trouble Tommy.”

“You’re not, we both need to eat.”

“Then yes, I would like that. Can I do anything to help?”

“You can come and keep me company, and maybe pick up some tips on meals that don’t include toast.” As soon as the words left my mouth I could have kicked myself; so much for not reminding her about the flat.

Barbara smiled at me. “I did tell you that it was toast or toast.”

“And the toast was very nice, as toast goes.”

Barbara sat up and stretched, “so what are you going to cook for us Gordon Ramsey?”

I stood and held out my hand to her. She took it and I gently pulled her onto her feet.

“That depends on what tools the master chef finds in the kitchen. Shall we go see?”

~*~

I knew that I was being clingy, and I knew that my erratic and changeable behaviour was worrying Tommy. I wanted to explain to him but I couldn’t find the words. I was just beyond grateful for his good grace and infinite patience.

~*~

Supper had been prepared and eaten, the dishwasher was loaded and we were back in the lounge. Barbara was nestled against me, her back against my chest, my arms around her. A movie was playing on the television but neither of us were really paying it any attention; she was dozing again and I was relishing the feel of her body against me while worrying about what would happen when the pleasant evening we were having turned into bed time. I had put the clothing Judith had purchased for her in the spare room, but the way she was behaving I had a feeling that she wouldn’t feel safe in there. It wasn’t that I minded sharing a bed with her, I was enjoying holding her, but I was worried that my body would betray just how much I was enjoying it, and I feared that would be the last thing she needed after everything she had been through. I didn’t want to scare her, traumatise her, or set her recovery back.

“What’s the matter Tommy?”

“I’m sorry, did my thinking disturb you?”

“You’re worried about something? Have I done something?”

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “No, you haven’t done anything; and you haven’t not done anything either.”

“You’re worried about me, aren’t you?”

I hugged her tighter, there was no point in me lying.

“Yes, very.”

“You don’t need to be. I know that sounds crazy after what happened to me, but you don’t.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because it’s true. I know that I have been through a horrendous experience, and I know that I am so far from fine it isn’t funny, but you don’t need to worry about me.”

“What if I want to worry about you?”

“I don’t want that.”

I twisted so that I could look her in the face. “It’s not something that I can control or switch off Barbara. You are the most important person in my life. I don’t want to make this about me, but I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t tell you that it nearly killed me finding you like that.”

“That’s why I’m telling you that you don’t need to worry about me. I told you earlier, I knew you would come. When I was sitting there, I could see your face and hear your voice; you were the one thing that I could hold onto; the one thing that kept me tethered to the world. We have known each other for such a long time; we have been partners and friends for such a long time; despite our differences, I know that you will never hurt me, I know that I am safe with you. I made a promise to myself; I swore that when you came to me, when you found me, that I was going to stop playing games with you; that I wasn’t going to hide behind protocol or barriers any more. I decided that I was going to tear down the walls between us; no more Sir or Lynley, I was going to call you Tommy and I was going to try and be a better person.”

“Barbara, there is nothing wrong with who you are. What happened to you; what that person did to you, they were the inhuman one. You may be an angry soul; but life has treated you unfairly. When life keeps kicking you, it is not surprising that you decided to put up the barricades. I value you for who you are. Sure, we have our disagreements, but never once have I thought that you were a bad person, or that you needed to change the fundamental essence that made you, you. If you want to call me Tommy, then I will be thrilled; but I want you to do it because it is what you want. If you want us to have a more tactile relationship, then I will be thrilled about that too; but it has to be because you feel comfortable and not because you are using me or trying desperately to prove that you are okay. I am not going to turn my back on you; I am not going to walk away from you. I am your friend, and I will always be here for you.”

Barbara reached up and cradled my face. “Don’t you see Tommy, I know that, I’ve known it since our first case together. I wanted to hate you, on paper you were everything that I despised, but when I met you I could see that I had you all wrong. Yes, you were pompous, but you cared. The job wasn’t a hobby for you, you weren’t playing at being a copper, you actually wanted to be one and you were committed to the job. I’m not daft, I know that we were put together in the hopes that one or other of us would do something stupid or reckless and then they could get rid of one or both of us. The thing is, what they could never have seen, never expected, was that you and I would find out that we actually liked each other, and as time went on we became friends. They set us up to fail and instead we excelled. After what happened to me, I could have just given up on life but I didn’t. I made a decision to live.”

“I’m trying to believe you Barbara, I really am, but I was the one who found you, and I know how scared you were, how you were in shock, you sat in the shower for nearly two days Barbara, you were traumatised. I don’t want you to put up a front with me; I want you to be honest, I want you to tell me everything so that I can help you.”

“I am being honest with you Tommy. Yes, I was in shock. Yes, I sat in the shower for nearly two days. I’ve already said that I am in no way fine, but when I am with you I know that I will be. I know that I’ve got a long road ahead; I know that there will be therapy, counselling, all sorts of things, but I will face it all head on. I want to get better.”

“That’s what I want for you, and I want to help you.”

Barbara pressed a gentle finger to my lips.

“You’re here, you are helping me. But I want you to promise me something; I want you to promise to be honest with me. I don’t want you to stop living your life in order to help me and look after me. You need to move on with your life; you need to get back out there, you need to date, you need to find someone to share your life with. I don’t want you to use looking after me as an excuse and I don’t want to outstay my welcome here. If you want to bring someone back, then you need to tell me. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home; I am not going to become an inconvenience. I can stay somewhere else.”

Now it was my time to put a finger to her lips. I didn’t know if it was the right time to say what I had been keeping hidden in my heart for so long, but I also didn’t know if there was ever going to be a right time.

“I have no intention of bringing anyone home or dating anyone; at least dating anyone who isn’t you.” I saw her eyes widen. “I’ve been beating around the bush, trying to tell you something without actually saying the words, and that’s cowardly. Barbara, I have been in love with you for years. I’ve been so scared that if I said the words; if I actually gave voice to what is in my heart, well I thought that it would ruin our friendship, and I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. But everything has changed now. When I saw you in your bathroom, I was horrified and I knew that I couldn’t pretend any more. The only person I want to share my life with is you; and I am really hoping that you want the same thing. I know that this isn’t going to be easy; I know that you have a long road ahead of you, but I want to be beside you on that road. I want to walk every single step holding onto your hand. I will wait forever for you.”

I saw tears pooling in her eyes, and I was worried that I had gone too far, had said too much, but I wasn’t going to take back anything that I had said.

“You have such a beautiful soul; do you know that?”

“Not a poncy one?”

Barbara smiled at me, “well, probably; a beautiful poncy soul if that makes you happier.”

“I haven’t said the wrong thing, have I?”

“No. You have said exactly what I was trying to say to you; but you did it far better due to that posh education of yours. I was trying to tell you that I love you but I wanted to give you an out if I had misunderstood. People may think that what we are doing is mad, and perhaps we are insane, but I would rather be insane with you than sensible without you. I want to experience life and love with you. I want to stand by your side as your equal.”

“I want a relationship with you Barbara, but I am not going to start a physical relationship with you until you are better. If we are to have any chance of making this work between us, then we need to do things properly.”

“I accept that Tommy, I want that too.”

~*~

My heart sang when Tommy told me that he loved me. I was thrilled to discover that he felt the same way. I was pleased that he had found the words that I hadn’t been able to. Even though I was in no doubt of my feelings for him; to know that he understood, after everything, and that he wanted a relationship with me, I felt a glimmer of hope start to burn inside of me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

Barbara was asleep again, this time in my bed, but I couldn’t drop off. I slipped from her embrace, hoping that she wouldn’t wake, picked up my mobile phone, and then padded my way into the lounge. I sat on the sofa, called up Judith’s number and then pressed call. I rubbed one of my hands across my face as I waited for her to answer.

“I’m sorry to call you so late.”

“Is everything okay Tommy?”

“I’m not really sure; I’m not sure about anything at the moment.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Yes; I need to. It is really odd not being able to turn to Barbara and talk to her; it feels wrong.” 

“I’m willing to do anything I can to help you and Barbara. She was there for you after Helen; we all owe her a debt that we can never truly repay.”

“Tonight I told her that I love her; it turns out that she feels the same way. But I also told her that I wasn’t going to start a physical relationship with her until she was well.”

“Why did that come up?”

“She’s a different person now Judith, you wouldn’t recognise her. I know that’s a ridiculous thing to say after what she’s been through, but it’s true. She’s more tactile, she’s calling me Tommy, I should be delighted but I’m not; I’m terrified.”

“Because you fear that she is overcompensating for what she has been through?”

“Yes. I don’t doubt that she has feelings for me. If I’m honest I’ve known it for a very long time; we told each other as much before Helen came back.”

“You did? I never knew that!”

“It was a personal moment between the two of us; and then Helen came back and I felt that I owed it to her to try and make our marriage work. I wish that I hadn’t, but I can’t do anything about that now, and it also isn’t why I called you. I am worried that I am doing the wrong thing. I really love her Judith, but I want her to be well, and if she still wants me then… I can’t give my heart to her before then, it wouldn’t be right for either of us.”

“It sounds to me as if you have already given your heart to her Tommy; I don’t think that you had a choice about that, but I also think you are right when you told her that the two of you cannot even begin to think about a physical relationship until she is well.”

“And yet right now she is fast asleep in my bed.”

“You didn’t Tommy?”

“No, I didn’t, and neither did she. Remember when I said that she’s more tactile? She doesn’t want to be left alone; she needs contact with me. She has to hold my hand, she needs to be held, she needs to hold me. I think the only reason she is asleep now is because my bedding smells of me. She tells me that she doesn’t feel safe unless she is with me. She told me that the whole time after her assault, the only thing that kept her tethered to the world was me; she knew that I would come.”

“You aren’t going to try and do this alone are you Tommy?”

“No; this is beyond me, but I am going to make sure that she gets the best possible care and support.”

“And what about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What are you going to do to make sure you get the support you need in order to help Barbara?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No Tommy, you won’t. You need someone to talk to; you need help processing your emotions. You had Barbara to help you; she’s always been there for you but you haven’t got that now so you are going to need to find someone else to help you. I am here for you, but I think you are going to need professional help too. Maybe you weren’t attacked; but you found the woman you love after she had been; you are going to hear things that are going to make you angry. You can’t turn to the whiskey bottle to deal with this.”

“I know, you told me that earlier, and I won’t let Barbara down.”

“It’s not about letting Barbara down, it’s about remembering your mental and physical health while you help her recover hers.”

“Okay, okay, I will make sure that I take care of myself as well as Barbara. I am still confused though. I am thrilled that Barbara loves me as much as I love her, I’m thrilled that she wants a relationship with me, I’m thrilled that she is more tactile and affectionate, but I don’t want her to change who she is because she thinks she has to in order to please me, keep me happy, or somehow repay me.”

“Tommy, no one says that you have to act on your feelings or hers. You can take things day by day; you don’t need to plan ahead. Be guided by how you both feel, just go with the flow. There are going to be good days and bad days, you need to be ready to ride the ups and the downs.”

“Thanks for everything Judith; the shopping, collecting the car, listening to me, talking sense, it means a lot.”

“My pleasure baby brother. Now go and get some sleep, and remember, I’m here if you need me.”

I ended the call and then headed back to the bedroom. Barbara was still asleep. I went to the en suite, used the facilities and then headed back to bedroom. I slid under the covers, reached for Barbara, and then closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would come.

~*~

I woke to an empty bed. I got up and hurried over to the en suite, knocking gently on the door. There was no reply so I opened the door, the room was empty. I tried not to panic, and made my way towards the lounge. Barbara was leaning on the window sill looking out of the window. I stayed in the doorway.

“Good morning.”

Barbara turned and I was shocked at how much the bruises had come out on her face in the last few hours. I hoped that my expression was neutral.

“Morning Tommy. Did you sleep well last night?”

“I slept okay, how about you?”

“Better than I have in a long time.”

“Do you want some breakfast? I can cook.”

“You proved that you can cook very successfully last night, so breakfast would be nice; what can I do to help?”

I smiled at her, “you can come and keep me company, and I thought I might leave you in charge of the toast.”

“Now that I can do!”

~*~

I knew that I was still worrying him; I was a different person to the one he had known and worked with, different to the one he called friend. I had meant everything that I had said to him the previous night, and I still meant it now. When you thought that your life was ending it gave you incredible clarity. When I had been shot I hadn’t had time to think about things; but on this occasion I had had nothing but time. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be with Tommy.

~*~

We finished breakfast, showered, dressed, and then went back into the lounge to watch tv. Neither of us were really concentrating on it, pretending that we were watching but all the while ignoring the elephant in the room. The tension was palpable so I decided that I had to say something.

“Barbara, I know that you don’t really want to discuss this, but we do need to arrange your therapy. I want you to know that I am here for you, but you are going to need professional help and I don’t think that it is a good idea to leave it too long before you start talking to someone about what happened to you.”

“I could see someone through the force.”

“If that’s what you want to do, but if you would rather see someone not connected to the job, if you want to see someone privately then I am more than willing to pay for you.”

“I wouldn’t be able to pay you back.”

“Barbara, we are friends, and friends help each other. You stopped me from drinking myself to death, and you helped me when I was arrested for murder; if we are keeping score here then I owe you far more than I can ever hope to repay.”

“We’re not keeping score.”

I knelt down in front of Barbara and took her hands in mine, “then let me do this for you. I want you to get well; I want you to feel confident enough to resume your life.”

“I want to be well for you Tommy; I want to be someone you can be proud of.”

“Oh Barbara; I told you last night; I love you for who you are, I don’t ever want you to change the essence of you, I just want you to get well so that you can get back to being that person.”

“I will accept your offer Tommy, but I don’t want to go out, not when I look like this. Can we find someone who will come to me?”

I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about going out, but I could understand her point of view and so I said nothing, I just nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

It was the morning of Barbara’s first counselling session and she was very subdued. It had been nearly a week since her attack; Winston had been around to take her statement to go with the photos and rape kit that had been taken at the hospital. Barbara hadn’t wanted to speak to him saying that she was too embarrassed, but I had gently talked her round. I had also spoken to Winston; not because I didn’t think that he was capable of doing the job, but because it was different when it was a colleague and friend without the added difficulty of Barbara’s emotions. The investigation was progressing slowly; but at least it was progressing.

Barbara wanted me to be present at the counselling but I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t being callous, but I felt that she needed to face up to what happened to her; understand that, while it would definitely impact on her life, it didn’t need to define it. She was still being incredibly tactile and affectionate to me, but she wouldn’t leave the house. I hoped that the counselling would start to give her the confidence to venture outside. She was getting better at being on her own; I didn’t leave the house, but I could now shower without finding her sitting outside the bathroom, nervously chewing on her nails. We still shared a bed at night, cuddling and talking until we fell asleep, waking in each other’s arms the following morning. We also kissed, and there was passion behind it; but the attack was still between us, and until Barbara started to heal it would continue to be.

Judith had offered to go round to the flat and get Barbara some of her clothes but Barbara was adamant that she didn’t want anything from her home, and that she could manage with the clothes that she had. Judith and I didn’t agree, so Judith went out and bought a few more sets of casual clothes, some more underwear, some more sleepwear, slippers, a robe, and a pair of trainers. Barbara wouldn’t see Judith, but she did ask me to convey her thanks, and promised that she would pay us both back. I didn’t argue with her, but there was no way that either of us would be accepting any money from her.

Once the counsellor arrived I excused myself and went into the den. Barbara had looked at me with desperation but I shook my head; I hoped that she would understand that I wasn’t being cruel, she needed to do this on her own. I decided to use the time to call Mother and check in on the estate. I was sure that Judith would have told her what had happened to Barbara, and Mother would probably be unable to help herself and have to share her opinion on it, but I couldn’t really put off calling her any longer.

“Tommy darling, how are you?”

“I’m fine Mother, how are you?” The conversation was stilted, and it saddened me. There was still a distance between us; perhaps it was time for some healing for our relationship as well.

“Oh I’m fine. I’m so sorry to hear about Barbara. How is she?”

“She’s fine.”

“Really Tommy?” I heard the doubt in her voice.

“No, not really, but we don’t tell each other the truth, do we?” Even as the words left my mouth I regretted the vitriol behind them; perhaps I wasn’t as ready to build bridges as I had thought.

“Tommy! That was a long time ago.” I could hear the pain in her voice.

“I know Mother, I apologise. It’s a little, stressful, here at the moment.”

“You could both come down here.”

“We can’t; Barbara won’t leave the house for anything.”

“That’s not very healthy.”

“I know that too Mother; but I am not going to force her to do anything that she doesn’t want to; or rather anything that might be harmful to her recovery. Things are still too fresh for her, and the bruises are still showing. Perhaps when they settle down a bit Barbara might feel differently. At the moment she will only see people if she really has to. I had to work hard to convince her to let Winston come and take her statement, she wouldn’t see Judith when she went clothes shopping for her; and the only way I could get her to see a counsellor was by finding one that would see her here; and she agreed to that grudgingly. The only person she trusts a hundred percent is me.”

“That must be exhausting for you.”

“Not as much as it was; I can at least go to the bathroom without her waiting outside for me. Not being able to leave the house is a little taxing, but I will do anything for her. I owe her so much; what she did for me after Helen died, the way she looked after me. I treated her appallingly but she stood by me, I am going to do the same for her; however long it takes.”

“But you can’t do it all on your own darling; you can’t put your own life on hold.”

“I’m not; but even if I were I would do so in a heartbeat. I love her Mother, and not as just a friend. I want her to get well so that we can build a life and a future together. I am prepared to wait as long as I have to.”

“Oh Tommy, are you sure this is what you want? You thought that you loved Helen.”

“I did; but not as a husband is supposed to love his wife. We tried to make our friendship into something more and we shouldn’t have, when truthfully we were completely wrong for each other. With Barbara and I it is different; I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t think even I understand it completely; I just know that when I am with her I don’t have to try. When I am with Barbara I can be who I want to be; and she sees me for who I really am. She’s the woman I have been looking for all my life, it’s just a shame that it took us both so long to realise it.”

“You say that as if you know that she loves you too. Have you spoken to her about how you feel?”

“We have discussed it; and both of us know that this is the real thing. It isn’t her shock or grief talking.”

“Judith said that you were concerned about how Barbara was acting, and yet now you’re telling me that you are sure about everything. Which is it?”

I gritted my teeth; wishing I hadn’t called Mother and also wishing that I hadn’t confided so openly in Judith. “Barbara is different, and yes, it does concern me, but I do not doubt that when she tells me that she loves me she means it. I only have to look into her eyes to see that it is the truth. I am in no way taking advantage of her, and I won’t.”

“Judith also told me that you were sharing a bed together.”

“Is there any confidence I shared with Judith that she didn’t immediately run and tell you?”

“She is concerned about you Tommy; she is worried for you and so am I.”

“Then I thank you both for your concern, but it is unwarranted. Yes, I have worries about Barbara and her emotional health, but Barbara and I will work through them together. And yes, Barbara and I are sharing a bed, but we are not sleeping together. I would never take advantage of Barbara; I care too much for her to ever do that. I can see that we are going to achieve nothing with this conversation so we might as well end it now before one of us says something that there is no coming back from. Goodbye Mother.”

I ended the call and then tried to extinguish the fury I felt. I should have known better than to trust Judith, she always had to repeat everything I said to Mother; it was just the way she was. My relationship with Barbara was not something that I wanted the two of them discussing over afternoon tea. I felt a little nauseous at the thought of them sitting down and gossiping about the two of us. Barbara, and what I felt for her, was incredibly fragile and precious; I certainly didn’t want it destroyed by my mother and sister and their idle gossiping.

~*~

I still didn’t want to see people, or for people to see me; to point at me, to gawp and gossip. The only reason I agreed to the counselling was for Tommy. I wanted to get well so that I didn’t have to keep leaning on him. I didn’t want to go out and I didn’t want to be alone; in fact, I followed Tommy around more than his shadow did! It wasn’t fair on him; he needed a strong woman, not the shell of one. However, as much he loved me; he wasn’t going to put up with me being broken forever; and I wouldn’t expect him to. Tommy needed a woman to love him completely. He needed someone who could match him mentally and physically. I wanted to be that woman; and to do that I needed to work on my recovery. I owed him that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

The weeks turned into months and, with the passage of time, Barbara improved. The bruises faded and she began to regain her bravery and inner strength. She was now prepared to venture outside of the house, but only when I was with her; so we started to go for walks and eat out occasionally. We had finally been back to her flat; it was something that her counsellor had told her that she needed to do. It had taken every ounce of courage Barbara had, and visiting had confirmed that she never wanted to live there again, the memories of what had happened to her were too much. We had packed her clothes and personal bits and pieces; the rest she had allowed me to get put into storage. I had offered to deal with the sale of the flat, and she had thanked me for that. I had also told her that she could live with me as long as she needed; although secretly I hoped that she would stay with me forever.

We had talked about going back to work. Barbara wasn’t convinced that she could ever be a police officer again, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go back either. Work wouldn’t be the same without Barbara; we were a team, and I didn’t want to work with anyone else. I didn’t need to work; as the eighth Earl of Asherton it wasn’t as if I needed the money, but I knew that Barbara had issues with who I was, the differences between us, and I didn’t want to make things any more awkward for her than they already were.

Since we had begun living together she had made an effort to be more tidy, which I was grateful for as I couldn’t have coped with the chaos she put up with in her flat. She wasn’t perfect, and I didn’t expect her to be, that would have been unrealistic and I liked having the house look slightly more lived in; it felt homelier and less sterile. She was also learning to cook; and although we were taking it slowly she could now make more than toast. We enjoyed many an evening in the kitchen, preparing a meal from scratch, eating it and then clearing up afterwards. There was something fun about just doing normal domestic tasks together; there was a calmness about it.

That wasn’t to say we didn’t still argue; that was the one thing about us that hadn’t changed since the attack and I think I would have been more concerned if it had. When we rowed it gave me hope that Barbara would get better and that we would be able to have a proper relationship together. We were still sharing a bed; and would spend each night talking, kissing and cuddling. Barbara still called me Tommy, and she was still as tactile as she had been the night she had come home from the hospital. In fact, we were doing everything except having sex; and the strange thing was, I felt more loved with her than I had with Deborah, Helen or Julia.

Barbara was still seeing her counsellor, and I was pleased to see that it appeared to be helping her. Even when she began to complain bitterly about being made to ‘talk about her bloody feelings’, she made sure that she kept her appointments. The counsellor was still coming to the house, and I was still making sure I was out of the way while they were talking. If Barbara wanted me to know what they were discussing then she would tell me, and if she didn’t then she didn’t. I used the time to go out and run errands, to do things such as shopping and dry cleaning, filling the car with petrol, going to the bank, all the day-to-day chores that wouldn’t take care of themselves. It was when I returned from one such outing that I found the counsellor waiting to speak to me.

“Mr Lynley; do you have a moment?”

I nodded, but my heart was racing; I couldn’t think why the counsellor would need to speak to me.

“Ms Havers had a telephone call while you were out. It was from someone named David Hillier. It appears that they have caught the man who assaulted and raped her. The reason I wanted to speak to you is because I am not sure how the news has affected her. Once she ended the call it was as if she had put a wall around her; she told me that she was fine, and that she didn’t want to discuss it with me.”

“Thank you for letting me know; I shall be sure to keep an eye on her. She has a habit of getting defensive when it comes to things that she doesn’t want to share.”

“You know how to contact me if you need to.”

“I do; thank you again.” I showed the counsellor to the door. As I closed the door behind her I sighed deeply and ran my fingers through my hair, and then set off to find Barbara.

I entered the lounge and once again found her staring out of the window.

“I suppose she told you.”

I walked up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders, studying our reflections in the glass. She leant back against me, her head on my shoulder, and closed her eyes. I felt the tension leave her body.

“She did. She also told me that you rebuilt fortress Barbara as soon as you ended the call.”

“Fortress Barbara; that’s amusing.” I noticed her lips quirk up in a half-smile.

“Do I need to be worried about you?” I slid my hands off her shoulders, down her arms until they rested on her waist.

“No, you don’t. I didn’t want to discuss it with her until I had a chance to think about how I feel about what Hillier told me.”

“Do you want some time on your own?”

Barbara turned in my arms, then stood up on tiptoes and gently kissed me.

“No, that’s the last thing that I want.” Her arms came up and slid around my neck and she looked me in the eye.

“Then what is it that you do want?” I had a feeling I knew what she was hinting at, but I wanted to be sure; I needed her to say the words.

“Do you remember the conversation we had on my first night here after I was released from hospital?”

“We had a lot of conversations that night.”

“Tommy.” There was exasperation in her tone.

“I’m not trying to be difficult Barbara, I’m really not; I just want you to spell it out to me. I need to be sure that we are both on the same page here; I don’t want to do the wrong thing. My relationship with you is the most important thing in the world to me; I don’t want to destroy it with a misunderstanding.”

“There’s no misunderstanding, I want you.”

“You already have me Barbara; but I need to know how you want me, I need you to say the words.”

Barbara stood up on tiptoe again and whispered in my ear. “I want you to take me to bed Tommy.”

“You’re sure about this Barbara?”

“I’ve been waiting for years for this; I’m more than sure.”

I took her hand in mine and led her up the stairs to my bedroom. Once we made it through the door, we tumbled onto the bed. I rolled us onto our sides so that we were facing each other. I knew that we would need to take this slowly.

“We can stop any time you want to Barbara.”

“Thank you Tommy, but I don’t want to stop.” She slid her hands between us and slowly began to undo the buttons on my shirt, kissing each piece of skin that she revealed. My breath caught in my throat at the intimacy of the act. I decided to let her lead.

~*~

The skin on Tommy’s chest was warm and salty, and I devoured every inch of it greedily. I pushed him onto his back and straddled his lap, relishing the moan that escaped from his lips. His hands came up and slid underneath my t-shirt, branding my flesh. I pulled the shirt off over my head and threw it onto the floor. His hands moved back onto my body, sliding up to my breasts and cradling them through my bra. He rubbed his thumbs over my nipples and I writhed with pleasure, grinding my hips against his groin.

~*~

I moved my hands to her hips and held her still; if she kept doing what she was doing then it would be over before it began.

“There’s no rush Barbara; we have all the time in the world. Let’s take things slowly and enjoy each other. We’ve waited so long for this; I want us to remember every single moment.”

“So do I.”

I sat up and slid my shirt off, throwing it on the floor to join hers. She slid off of my lap and then knelt up behind me, sliding her arms around me and resting her chin on my shoulder.

“I do love you Tommy.”

“I love you too Barbara. I think we’ve loved each other since the day we met; we just didn’t recognise it as love because it was so different to anything we had experienced before.”

“There was definitely a connection there, but I think we needed to get to know each other better; we had to smooth off our rough edges before we could get to where we are now.”

“I only wish we hadn’t had to go through so much pain to get there.”

“I don’t. I mean, I’m sorry for all the other people who got hurt along the way, especially Helen, but I don’t think we would appreciate what we have now if we hadn’t had to fight for it.”

Barbara moved so that she was once again sitting astride my lap, her bra clad breasts pressed up against my chest.

“And I am glad that you fought for us. You would have been so within your rights to walk away from me and leave me to clean up my own messes.”

She leaned forward and kissed me.

“I would never have done that; you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I was an absolute cow to you a lot of the time, you fought for me too. Before you came into my life I was bitter and twisted, and I could never believe that anyone could like me for me. I attacked before I could be attacked; attack was always the best form of defence in my mind. You taught me that that wasn’t true.”

I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my forehead against hers.

“You taught me to listen to other people; to not be so superior. You taught me that I didn’t have to face my demons alone, or try to drown them in copious amounts of whiskey. You liked me for who I was, or perhaps despite who I was. You never gave up on me.”

Barbara pressed a finger against my lips, “I think we’ve said more than enough Tommy, I want to feel you deep inside of me.”

~*~

I slid off his lap and removed the rest of my clothes and he took the opportunity to do likewise. We collapsed back onto the bed and I pulled him on top of me. He took my face in his hands and made me look at him.

~*~

“I need to know that you are okay with this Barbara; do you really want this?”

She nodded, and I saw in her eyes that this was the truth, and that she was comfortable with what we were doing. Reassured, I turned my attentions back to her pleasure.

I nibbled at her earlobe, and then pressed hot wet kisses down her neck, across her collar bone and up the other side. She writhed beneath me, desperately trying to find the friction she needed to obtain her release. I laughed lightly and kissed her nose.

“Patience Beloved, I want to enjoy you the way you got to enjoy me.”

She stilled, but I wasn’t worried as the little whimpering noises she was making more than reassured me that she was content. I resumed my exploration of her body, kissing down her chest and around her left breast, before taking her pebbled nipple between my teeth and biting on it gently. She arched against my mouth, desperately trying to draw me closer. I suckled from her as she wove her fingers into my hair, holding me close to her, cradling me against her chest. 

I released her breast, hearing a little sigh of disappointment escape from her pursed lips, but that sigh soon became a gasp as I turned my attentions onto her right one, laving at its swollen nub with my tongue before biting down on it, tugging it between my teeth. Again she arched against me, her nails biting into my skin. I was loving the way she was responding to me; I had never thought that we would be able to experience these sensations in such an abandoned manner as this.

I released her breast and then continued my journey down her body, licking, kissing and caressing her skin, paying particular attention to her scar. I then followed my path back up again, before capturing her lips in a searing kiss. One of her hands snaked between our bodies, sliding over our stomachs until it found its target. She cradled me in her hand, rubbing her moistened folds against me. I knew the time had come to give in to her, allowing her to help me, I sheathed myself in her hot and welcoming depths.

~*~

I had thought that I might freeze once Tommy was buried deep inside me but I was wrong. This was nothing like I had ever experienced before, his love wiping away all previous experiences, good and bad, from my mind. All I was aware of was him, moving slowly inside me with infinite tenderness, his hands linked with mine, our eyes locked as we both moved together in a dance as old as time. When I looked at him, all I saw was love, it was as if I was drowning in his eyes, and I hoped that the love he saw in mine filled him with the same emotions. I had waited so long for this, and now that it was happening it was as if we were the only two people on the planet. No one and nothing else mattered as together we headed for immeasurable bliss.

I knew that the first time was not going to last long, we had both been waiting for this for such a long time, but that didn’t matter; this would be the first time of many, and we would have plenty of time to explore each other and learn about the other’s likes and dislikes. All I could think of was how right it felt; how perfect it was to finally be cradling him between my thighs, to feel him moving inside me as I rose up to meet him, thrust for thrust. It was all I had wanted, all I had expected, and so much more besides.

~*~

I felt the warning signs of my impending release, and so reached down to firmly stroke the small bundle of nerves at the apex of Barbara’s thighs. She writhed against me, and we both fell head first into ecstasy.

I collapsed on top of her, and immediately worried in case it was the wrong thing to do; but she wrapped her arms tightly around me, her forehead resting on my shoulder. I reached behind me and pulled the duvet over us to protect from the chill as our bodies began to cool. Neither of us uttered a word, content to lie in the afterglow as our heartrate and breathing returned to normal.

I had no idea how many minutes had passed before I heard her whisper in my ear. “I love you.” Before I had a chance to respond in kind she continued, “And thank you.”

I rolled us so that we were lying face to face on our sides. She brought up a shaky hand and gently caressed the side of my face. I captured the hand in one of my own and pressed a gentle kiss to her palm.

“I love you too, and I should be thanking you.”

She shook her head. “What we just did, the concern and love that you showed me, I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt so treasured, almost worshipped.”

“You are treasured and worshipped. I can’t tell you how special that was for me because I can’t find the words. I am touched beyond measure that you shared your body with me.”

“I’m sorry it took so long for us to get to this point, but I am so glad that we waited until we were both ready.”

I looked into her eyes and through them into her very soul. All of a sudden I knew what I wanted to say to her. “Will you marry me?”

Her eyes began to fill with tears, and I thought that I had read the situation wrong, or put too much pressure on her. I was about to tell her that I didn’t mean to upset her when she leant forward and kissed me passionately. When we finally broke apart, panting as we tried to fill our lungs with air, she responded.

“In case something got lost in translation; that was a yes. Of course I will marry you.”

Those were the last coherent words that were said for a while as we once again explored each other’s bodies; touching, teasing, tasting and caressing each other as we drove to rapturous heights.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

I was up bright and early the next morning, but I ached in places that I didn’t know I had and there was a smile on my face that nothing and nobody could remove. I left Tommy sleeping peacefully as I headed off to the shower. As I let the hot water wash over me I was still smiling. In my mind I went over and over the previous evening and night. Making love with Tommy had been more than I could ever have hoped for, and definitely more than I had imagined. I had been apprehensive, thinking that perhaps the rape had ruined me and that I would never be able to respond to him the way he deserved but I had been wrong, and I had never been more pleased to be proved wrong in my life. He had been so patient and loving, and I had truly felt worshipped and adored. Now I had him, in every sense of the word, there was no way I was letting him go.

As if by magic the door to the shower opened and the man in question joined me under the hot spray.

“Need a little help washing all of those hard to reach places Ma’am?”

I laughed, gently pushing him so that his back was against the cool tiled wall.

“I’ve got a very hard to reach place that needs a lot of special care and attention, and I would be most appreciative if you would assist me Sir.”

Tommy smiled at me. That smile was going to always be my undoing, just one glance at it and I would go weak at the knees. It was the smile that he always saved for me, and Tommy smiling, well let’s just say that his smile could reach places a smile had no business trying to reach! I leapt into his arms, wrapping both them and my legs securely around him, my mouth hungrily devouring his. I felt him enter me, reversing our positions so that it was me who was against the smooth white tiled wall. In this position I couldn’t move very much, but that didn’t seem to bother him, in fact he seemed to be rather enthusiastic about fulfilling his duties… and me. I felt him move one of his hands from where it had been cupping my bottom, and slide it down between our wet bodies to an even wetter place. As he pinched and rubbed my clit I writhed against him, desperate to reach the release that was building inside of me.

~*~

As Barbara climaxed, her fluttering walls drove me to completion. She became boneless in my arms, but I could feel her heart racing against my chest, her rapid breaths caressing the skin of my shoulder. Slowly she lowered herself from my arms, and I slipped from inside of her, both of us mourning the loss.

She leaned against me, still relishing the skin against skin contact. I reached for a sponge, coated it with shower gel, and then gently began to wash her body. She turned so that her back was pressed against my chest, her legs splayed to give me access. As I made my way down her body, I discarded the sponge and slid my fingers in between her silken folds, my free hand snaking its way up her body until it reached her breasts. I cradled one of them in my hand, savouring the weight of it. I began to knead it, massaging the skin and tweaking her nipple as she pushed herself back against me, whimpering sounds breaking free almost involuntarily from her lips. I continued my two-pronged attack, teasing and stroking her breasts and her clit, switching from rough to gentle. She was completely in my power.

I moved my head so that my mouth was next to her ear. Taking her earlobe between my teeth I nibbled at it, tugging at it gently. Her breath hitched, one of her hands coming up to work her neglected breast, violently tugging and pinching at her nipple, whilst the other one slid down to join mine, her fingers plunging in and out of her slick channel as I tormented her clit between my soaking digits.

Her body began to tense, and I knew that she was close to oblivion as expletives tumbled from her lips. 

“Come for me,” I whispered as she furiously attacked her body with both hands.

Her breathing became more frenetic, and I knew it was only a matter of moments before she reached completion.

~*~

I was so close, so very close. I could think of nothing except reaching my climax; I was desperate, almost crying with frustration as together we urged my body towards completion. I had never done something like this before; never felt so wild and abandoned, but at the same time cherished. As I pumped my fingers in and out of my hot wet channel he stroked and rubbed my clit, both of our other hands paying attention to my sensitive breasts. Just a little more, I was almost there, and then…

~*~

She shattered around her hand, slumping against me as her fingers slid from her. I captured her hand in mine, and slowly brought it up to my mouth. She watched me intently as I carefully licked each digit clean, her eyes darkening with desire. She turned in my embrace, sliding down my body until she was level with my cock. It was already hard from the erotic display I had just witnessed, but as she licked it and then took it into her mouth I hardened more. Her hand slipped between my legs, stroking, squeezing and cradling my balls. In unison she worked them; licking, sucking, squeezing, caressing, nibbling, biting, stroking the sensitive spot of skin between my cock and my balls, and then turning her attention back to my balls again. I crumpled against the wall, my head thrown back as she dragged her blunt teeth along my frenulum all rational thought left me. I knew that I was going to come; I knew that I should warn her, but I couldn’t find the words or the ability to speak. Before I knew it, I was exploding into her mouth, my cock twitching as it dispensed its load into her mouth. I looked down at her, ready to apologise, but was met with the erotic sight of her swallowing and then licking me clean. As she raised her eyes to look into mine I saw nothing but love and adoration in them, and once again I was blown away by the love I felt for her, and the love she in return gave me.

We hurriedly finished our shower before the water ran cold, then wrapped ourselves in towels and returned to the bedroom to dress. As soon as I removed my towel to pull on my boxer shorts she jumped me, and we made love again, the sheets becoming damp from our skin. Now that last boundary had been breached she was insatiable, and I adored it. However often she wanted me was never enough; I would never tire of her, or her body. Her passion for me drove me wild.

~*~

I lay, exhausted and sated, in Tommy’s arms. I was glad that we hadn’t managed to logic ourselves out of this, but I was also pleased that we had waited. 

“Are you okay Barbara?”

I tilted my head up from his chest and kissed him tenderly on the lips. “More than okay, thank you.”

“You would tell me if you weren’t?”

“I promise.”

~*~

Barbara and I were sat in my kitchen having a very late breakfast. I was thrilled at how our relationship had progressed, but the counsellor’s words were still echoing in the back of my mind. I was loathe to spoil the mood, but I needed to know how Barbara felt about her attacker being in custody.

“Have you thought about what Hillier said to you?”

“Tommy! Now’s not the time.”

I stood, walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her tense up, but I didn’t let go.

“Now is exactly the time Barbara. We don’t want this man to have any more of our lives than he already has; so we need to talk about how you feel so that we can move on to the next chapter.”

“I thought that last night and then this morning would have told you clearly that I have moved on!”

I could see her walls going up again and I knew I had to think on my feet. I spun her around on the kitchen stool and kissed her. I was relieved when she responded to me.

“Making love with you was amazing; it was the best night of my life. I have never felt as loved as I do when I am in your arms. My proposal was genuine, as I hope your acceptance was.”

“It was Tommy; I do want to be your wife. What I don’t understand is why you had to mention what happened to me. Why bring that up now?”

I took her hand and led her into the lounge. I sat down on the couch and pulled her down onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her. She nestled against me.

“I didn’t mention what happened to you to upset you, I mentioned it because you and I both know that you need to deal with this. If you don’t see this through to the end, then it is going to haunt you. Take it from someone who knows; my relationship with my mother has never been the same since I was seventeen years old and I saw her with Trenarrow when my father was dying. I didn’t deal with the situation and I have let my bitterness poison my life and my relationship with her; I don’t want that kind of existence for you.”

“I don’t know if I can go through the court case. It’s hard enough with you and Winston and Hillier knowing what happened to me. I’m a police officer and yet I got raped. All my training and I couldn’t stop it from happening. I just lay there and let that man do what he wanted; do you have any idea how pathetic and useless that makes me feel?”

“I wish more than anything that you hadn’t had to go through what you did, but I want you to know that nothing that happened has made you look any different in my eyes. I don’t think that you did anything wrong. I don’t think that there was anything that you could have done differently. I don’t think you should shoulder any blame for what happened to you. The only person who carries the blame is the man who attacked you. You are still you in my eyes, and you are not remotely useless or pathetic. The fact that I am here should speak volumes and reassure you that I don’t give a damn about anything other than your wellbeing. You are alive, and you are here with me, that is the most important thing.”

“You love me; so you’re biased!”

“Barbara, I am not going to argue with you about this, however much you try and provoke me. Let me try and put this a different way for you. When we are called out on a case, how do you feel about the victim? Do you look at them and feel compassion and sympathy, or do you resent them for dragging you out of your bed at ungodly o’clock because they were too stupid to stand up for themselves?”

~*~

As Tommy’s words sank in I looked into his eyes and saw his love for me deep within them. I smiled tenderly at him.

“And that is why I love you.”

“What is?”

“For being you; for making me sense; for caring about me so much. But I do have one thing that I need to say to you, you need to make things right with your mum.” He went to open his mouth but I pressed a finger gently against his lips. “No excuses Tommy. We are going to make a life together, and your mum will be a part of it. What if we are lucky enough to have children; they will only have one grandparent, and I don’t want them to miss out on that. Your mum made a mistake Tommy; don’t you think it has cost you all enough?”

Tommy went quiet, but I could tell he was thinking about what I had said. I snuggled closer to him, and rested my head against his chest. I wasn’t going to say anything else, he had to work this out for himself. I felt his arms tighten around me, and he pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head.

“I think we need to take a trip down to Howenstow; I have some bridges that need rebuilding.”

“I don’t think you need me there; I will just be a distraction. You and your mum need to talk; I’ll just be in the way.”

“You wouldn’t be in the way; and I would love you to come with me, but I shouldn’t have assumed. Sorry.”

“The old me would have been upset with you.”

“You are still you Barbara, I don’t know how many times I need to tell you.”

“I’m me, but a different me, I couldn’t have gone through what I did and stayed the same.”

“You can’t let it define you.”

“I’m not; I could have, but instead I decided that I would turn a negative into a positive. Anyway, very clever Inspector, you managed to change the subject there. I believe we were talking about you going to Howenstow and building bridges with your mum.”

“Later Barbara; right now I just want to sit here and hold you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

“I don’t know how you managed to convince me to do this Barbara.”

We were parked outside Howenstow. What had seemed like a good idea when I had been holding Barbara in my arms now seemed ridiculous.

“You need to do this Tommy. Your mum has suffered enough and so have you. We are going to build a life together and your family are the only family we’ve got. It’s time to put this to bed.”

I reached over and kissed her, “I’d rather take you to bed.”

She playfully slapped me on the chest, but returned my kiss. “Later, when I’m not as nervous about telling your mum we are getting married.”

“It will be fine. Anyway, I don’t care what she thinks, we are getting married because we want to and, when we decide on a date, we will get married exactly how we want to. It is our relationship and our decision, no one elses.”

“We don’t have to tell her, I mean, I don’t have a ring or anything, and I could sleep in one of the spare rooms, she doesn’t need to know.”

I kissed her again. “You are not sleeping in the spare room, you are sleeping with me, in our bed, wrapped in my arms like you do every night. And as to the ring…”

“I know, that’s my fault.”

“It isn’t anyone’s fault. I want you to be happy with the ring, and I know you won’t be comfortable with anything too ostentatious. When you see the one you love as much as me, you’ll know.”

Barbara ruffled my hair. “Is there room in this car for the three of us; you, me and your ego? I mean, I know it’s a classic, built like a tank, and makes mine look like a shoe box, but I still think it might be a tight squeeze!”

I kissed her again, “my ego isn’t invited.”

~*~

I had made my excuses, saying that I was tired, and had gone up to the bedroom. While Tommy and Dorothy had been polite to each other, I knew that they needed to talk properly, and there was no way that they were going to do that while I was in the room. I stripped off my clothes and headed for the shower, hoping that the two of them would be grown up enough to use the opportunity positively.

~*~

I poured Mother a drink and then sat down in the armchair next to the fire.

“Is there something on your mind Tommy?”

I looked at Mother over the rim of my whiskey tumbler, “Barbara and I are engaged to be married. We haven’t set a date or made any plans yet. She has made me realise that you and I need to resolve our differences if we are all to have a life together. If we are lucky enough to have children then we want their grandmother, aunt and uncle to be part of their lives. We can’t carry on the way we are; we need to make peace.”

“I would really like that Tommy, it would mean a lot. I know that I hurt you when your father was dying; and I wish I could take back the pain that I caused you.”

“I was just as much to blame. When you are a child your parents are these perfect people; it came as a shock to find out that you weren’t.” Mother went to speak but I held up my hand. “That was my problem, not yours. I have realised that you can love two people at the same time; I should have been more understanding.”

“And I should have realised that, despite how grown up you tried to be, really you were still a child who needed his parents. It was hard for me, but it was also hard for you. I’m sorry for hurting you so badly Tommy.”

“And I’m sorry for hurting you; and Peter. It’s going to take time, and I don’t expect things to be perfect; but I do want us to work at our relationship. You, Peter and Judith are the only family that Barbara and I have, and neither of us want to be at war with any of you.”

Mother reached across for my hand; I let her take it and squeezed it affectionately. I could see tears in her eyes.

“Thank you Tommy.”

~*~

I had been down to the stables to help Mother while Barbara had stayed in the house. I was pleased that she now felt confident enough to be on her own; it was another step forward in her recovery. I walked into the lounge room, expecting to find her there watching television, and was surprised to find the room empty. I ran to the kitchen, but she wasn’t there either. I decided to check the bedroom, hoping that she had decided to go for a lie down.

I opened the door to our room, and found Barbara sitting on the edge of the bed. She looked distraught, and panic immediately gripped me.

“Barbara?”

She looked up at me, a watery smile on her face.

“Oh hi,” she furiously wiped her eyes with her hand, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

I kissed her on the forehead and then sat down on the bed next to her.

“You were otherwise occupied. Do you want to talk?”

“It’s silly.”

“If it is of concern to you then it isn’t silly. Talk to me Barbara.”

With a shaking hand she passed me the iPad that was lying on the bed next to us. I looked at her quizzically but she just pressed it into my hand. I looked down at it and at once everything became crystal clear.

The iPad showed a report on a news website, and the report was about the suicide in jail of a man on remand for rape. It was the man who had attacked her.

“After everything I went through, all that psyching myself up, I’m not going to get my day in court. I am never going to get to look that bastard in the eye and ask him why he picked me. I’m never going to know what it was that I did or didn’t do that made him decided to completely destroy my life. I’m never going to get closure. The bastard who did this to me turned out to be a complete and utter coward; and now he’s taken away my final chance to know why. I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate him any more than I already did but it appears that I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry Barbara. I know that you were more than a little apprehensive about giving evidence, but I also know that in the end you wanted to have your day in court because you wanted closure. It was part of your recovery, and now he has snatched that away from you.”

“I said it was silly; I mean he’s dead so he can’t hurt me anymore and he can’t hurt anyone else. But you’re right, I do feel cheated. I had finally decided that I did want my day in court; I wanted my pound of flesh so to speak.”

“I don’t know what I can say to help you, but I can tell you that what you are feeling isn’t silly. As we both know from our work, anyone who is a victim of crime wants to see the person who committed that crime pay for the misery and hurt that they caused. I’m sorry that you are not going to get that. I’m sorry that the man who attacked you turned out to be a coward. I’m also sorry that you had to find out this way; I would have thought that Hillier would have called one of us and let us know in person.”

She took the iPad from me, put it to one side and then grasped my hand tightly.

“It is silly because, despite what he took away from me, despite the damage that he did to me, he also brought me the greatest gift in the world. If it hadn’t been for him and what he did to me then I would never have had the courage to admit my feelings for you, you and I would just have carried on being friends, and I would never have known what it is to be loved so completely by you. We would have missed out on something wonderful, something that has enriched both of our lives in ways that we could never have imagined, so for that I will be grateful to him, even though I hate him with a passion, and I can never forgive him for beating me and raping me. God I am so screwed up.”

I pulled her into my arms and held her as she started crying again; whether out of relief or sadness I wasn’t sure, but it didn’t really matter. I understood everything that she had said to me, I could see why she was both angry and relieved, and I accepted that it was going to take her time to get over this latest hurdle in her recovery. I was going to be there though, holding her as she cried, listening to her as she ranted, but most importantly, loving her whatever happened.

~*~

Tommy was asleep but I couldn’t rest. I slipped out of bed, pulled on my robe, and then crept downstairs to the lounge. For once I was glad that Howenstow was a behemoth of a house, and therefore I could find somewhere to be alone without the chance of waking someone.

I curled up in an armchair next to the dying embers of the fire, my head in my hands, and let the tears come. I was angry with myself; all I seemed to do was keep going round and round in circles. As fast as I made two steps forward, I would either go over things in my mind or something would happen, and then that would send me racing thirty-two steps in completely the opposite direction. I was emotionally screwed, not knowing if I was coming or going most of the time. How on earth were Tommy and I supposed to have an adult loving relationship when I was as emotionally stable as a jelly on the Titanic as it crashed head first into the iceberg? I was capable of love, I knew that much, but was I capable of being in a loving relationship; an equal relationship? Tommy had been through so much in his life; there had already been so much heartache and pain; was it fair to tie him to me when I was falling apart?

“Barbara?”

I looked up and my heart sank to see Lady Asherton standing in the doorway. So much for not being disturbed. I wiped my eyes and went to stand.

“I’m sorry Lady Asherton, I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s Dorothy my dear, and you have nothing to apologise to me for.”

“I should go back to bed.”

Dorothy put her hand on my arm, “what’s the matter Barbara? You are obviously upset, and the fact that you came down here means that you are hiding this from Tommy. Can I do anything to help?”

I sank back into the chair and started sobbing again; Dorothy’s kindness was my undoing. I felt her hand on my shoulder.

“Did… did Tommy tell… tell you that the man who… who raped… raped me killed… himself?” My voice was broken with heavy, hiccupy tears.

“No.”

“I’m so… so… angry that he… he won’t be… be punished. I thought… thought that I was… was okay, but… but I’m not, am I? I’m… I’m still fall… falling apart. I’m broken and… Tommy… Tommy has been through so… so much… he doesn’t need this too.”

“Tommy loves you Barbara; he’s loved you for years, even if neither of you knew it until recently. You are the person he has been searching for all of his life; and you need him too. Don’t turn your back on him out of fear; talk to him. You need to let him decide what he needs and what he doesn’t. He can help you through this if you let him.”

“Mother is right Barbara; I do want this, I want you, I love you. This isn’t too much for me.” Tommy crossed the room and knelt down in front of me, “you don’t have to always be the strong one, you don’t have to be the one who holds everything together. Lean on me, let me carry you. I love you Barbara, remember that.”

~*~

Barbara slid out of the chair and into my arms. I held her tightly, letting her cry. I mentally kicked myself for not keeping a closer eye on her. As she began to relax I scooped her up and carried her upstairs to our bedroom. Kicking the door closed behind us, I sat down on the bed. Her choking sobs had decreased to the occasional sniffle, but I didn’t let her go. I stroked her hair and murmured soothing nonsense in her ear. This was the storm that I had been expecting and waiting for since the morning I had found her; I was just surprised that it had taken this long.

Barbara raised her head from my chest and wiped her eyes.

“I’m sorry about that Tommy. I didn’t mean to fall apart.”

I hooked a finger under her chin and made her look at me. “As I told you downstairs, I want this and I want you. I love you Barbara; and loving you means being there for the good times and the bad. I’m not going to walk away from us, just like you never walked away from me. I am here to love you and support you for the rest of our lives.”

“But you’ve already had so much sorrow in your life…”

“And so have you. Oh Barbara, what do I have to do to prove that I love you?”

“I believe that you love me Tommy, I really do, but I’m damaged. I think that I am doing okay and then I fall apart again.”

“We’re both damaged Barbara; we always have been, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve happiness, and I believe that we have found that together. It’s always been about us, from that day in Yorkshire when you stood up to Nies in the barn. I should never have married Helen; my heart already belonged to you. Can you forgive me for being stupid?”

“There is nothing to forgive. We’ve had this conversation before and we agreed; neither of us were ready for this until now. I love you Tommy, and if you are sure that this is what you want…”

“It is.”

Barbara smiled at me tenderly, “and if you are sure that this is what you want then I promise that I won’t ask you again.”

“As I said, it is.”

“Then the subject is closed.”

I captured her lips in a searing kiss, and together we sank down onto the bed and reaffirmed our relationship.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply

I awoke to find Barbara tracing circles on my stomach with her hand. I captured it in mine, and then rolled over to face her.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning to you too.” She freed her hand and then began to trace her index finger down the centre of my chest, dipping into my navel, and then tracing her way back up again. I shivered at her touch.

“Someone is feeling playful this morning.”

Not ceasing her ministrations, Barbara smiled at me and then gently kissed my lips. “I’ve been thinking about our wedding, and I have something that I want to ask you.”

I returned her kiss, “so ask me.”

“Do you want to have a big wedding?”

“I want us to have the wedding that makes us both happy. We are the only people that matter.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“I have no desire for us to have a three ring circus. If you want us to just slip off quietly and get married at a registry office the that’s what we’ll do. I am happy to marry you any way you want. The only important thing to me is that we are married, not how we go about it.”

“I think that sounds perfect. I’m sorry if it causes you any problems with the family.”

“I don’t care if it does. I am trying to repair my relationship with them, that doesn’t mean I am going to roll over and play dead.”

“And I would never ask you to. I’ve also made a decision about work. I don’t want to go back to the force. I’m not sure what I want to do but, after my post-traumatic stress from the shooting and the hostage situation, I don’t think that I am physically or mentally strong enough to go back to the job. I think I would be a risk to anyone I work with. However, I don’t want you to quit just because I am. If your heart is still in the job, and you still want to be part of the Met then I will support you.”

“If you aren’t there then there is no reason for me to be either. You were the reason I stayed in the job, you made it bearable; without you I don’t want to be a part of it. I have an idea what we could both do, but it is only an idea. We could move down here and run the estate.”

“I don’t know the first thing about running an estate! I’d probably bankrupt you within a year.”

I laughed and kissed her on the nose. “You have agreed to marry me, you’re going to be Lady Asherton, I will be by your side each and every step of the way. All you need to do is love me and let me love you, everything else will just fall into place.”

“What about your mum? How will she feel about us moving down here and taking over?”

“We can talk to her about it, see what she wants to do.”

“If she wanted to stay here, how would you feel about living with her?”

I stroked the side of Barbara’s face with my finger, “I think I should be asking you that; she would be your mother-in-law.”

“Howenstow’s a big house, it’s not as if we’d be sharing my old flat and falling over each other. Perhaps the three of us could run the estate together. You’ll definitely need someone who knows what they’re doing if you don’t want to end up sitting on a street corner in Nanrunnel with a begging bowl!”

“You sell yourself short my love, but we’ll talk to her.”

~*~

After a fortnight at Howenstow we were back in London. Mother had welcomed the suggestion that Barbara and I move down there with open arms. With the three of us to split the load things would be easier; and we could all spend time in London if and when we wanted to.

After stating that she didn’t want an ostentatious engagement ring, Barbara had done a complete one-eighty when I took her to a small jeweller just outside Nanrunnel. She had seen an emerald and chocolate diamond ring, bordered with clear diamonds and had immediately fallen in love with it. When I had asked her why it had captured her she had simply breathed, ‘it’s us’. Eventually I had got her to elaborate further, and she had explained that the emerald and chocolate stones matched our eyes, and the diamonds were all the tears we had spilled in order to find happiness. I thought back to when she had told me that she didn’t regret the pain we had been through before we had found each other, and I understood.

We had both handed in our notice to Hillier. To say that he wasn’t impressed would have been an understatement. He had been sympathetic towards Barbara, but he couldn’t accept that I wanted to leave too. In the end harsh words were exchanged and our parting was one of anger, not helped by the fact that neither of us were actually going to work our notice period, and that I had also told him how disappointed we had been when we were not notified in person about the death of Barbara’s attacker. It was a sad ending to a long career, but neither of us had any regrets.

~*~

My life had changed again, but this time, for once, I felt in control. I had gone from being an angry and bitter council house girl from Acton to the fiancée of a member of the aristocracy. I was still a little wary about becoming Lady Asherton and helping to run the Howenstow estate, but I believed Tommy when he said that he would be by my side to love and support me. Dorothy had also offered to help me in any way that she could. I knew that I would probably make mistakes; but as long as I didn’t embarrass Tommy then I didn’t care.

~*~

It was the morning of our wedding. Barbara and I hadn’t spent the night apart; we weren’t doing anything in a traditional manner so we saw no reason to be parted from each other; instead we had spent our time doing what we pretty much did any time that we were alone together. I sometimes wondered if there would ever come a time when we wouldn’t just look at each other and feel the urge to jump into bed, I hoped not, and so far there had been absolutely no sign of that happening. If it did then we would address the issue as we addressed everything else; by talking about it and sorting it out the way that we wanted to.

I woke first, or so I thought, but when I had rolled over to watch Barbara sleeping I was surprised to find that she was already awake, and staring intently at me.

“Good morning.”

“And good morning to you too. Did you sleep well?”

“Eventually.” A sly smile crossed her face.

“Why eventually? Did something keep you awake?”

“You could say that; this incredibly gorgeous man kept me awake until the wee small hours making mad and passionate love to me.”

“You should have told me; I would have come and thrown him out of the bed so that you could sleep.”

Barbara laughed raucously and once again I was struck by just how beautiful she was. I reached out my hand and tenderly traced her face. Her laughter died in her throat and she swallowed hard as our eyes met.

“You amaze me; and I admire you.” My voice was hoarse with emotion. “You have shown such outstanding courage and strength after your attack; yes, there were wobbles, but they were only to be expected, but all in all you have come through what happened to you in a most remarkable fashion.”

She shook her head. “I’m not brave, I’m definitely not strong, and I am still making my way through the fall-out from what happened to me. I am just a person who had something terrible happen to her, but out of that something terrible came something wonderful, something that I will be eternally thankful for, and I am doing my best to enjoy that something wonderful, and to not destroy it. The day that you walked into my flat and rescued me Tommy, that was the very worst day, but it was also the very best. I am still trying to get areas of my life back to some sort of normality, and I know that I have a long way to go in those areas, and perhaps I will never get back to where I was, but what I do know is this, I will never, ever regret you and I getting together. I will always be grateful to the fates or whoever the hell it was that decided that you and I should be together, and I will never be able to show you just how much it means to me to have you as my love, my partner, as the person who has picked me up when I have fallen, who has held me when I cried, and loved me with all that he is and all that he has. You are the one sane thing in my life, my oasis of calm in a completely crazy world. You are my everything and I love you more than I can ever say or show.”

“You make me out to be something special.”

“You are, and I can’t believe that you don’t realise that. You are an extraordinary man, a one off. When they made you they broke the mould, you are completely unique.”

“A man could get an ego problem with all of the compliments you are sending in his general direction.”

“Not compliments, facts. You are a very unique and a very special man, a man that in a few scant hours I will be able to call my husband, and I feel incredibly blessed by that.”

“And I will be blessed to be able to call you my wife.”

~*~

Barbara and I finally made it out of bed by noon. We had talked, dozed and made love for most of the morning, relaxing in each other’s company and generally just enjoying being together. We had shared a leisurely shower and then returned to the bedroom to get dressed for our wedding.

I was still having trouble getting my head around the fact that in a couple of hours we would be man and wife. I didn’t have any doubts, in fact I had never been so sure about anything in my entire time on the planet, but so much had happened to me in such a short time, it was as if I was waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up or to pull the rug out from under my feet. At times everything felt as if it were a dream, I couldn’t believe that this beautiful and amazing woman wanted to be with me, wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me.

As I dressed I watched Barbara out of the corner of my eye as she sat at the dressing table fixing her hair. She always told me that I had saved her, and perhaps I had, but it was also true that she had saved me. Before she had crashed into my life I was on my way to becoming a cold and heartless man, almost an automaton. When I dressed in the morning I was doing more than pulling on a suit, I was putting on a disguise. DI Lynley was the person I hid behind. It would never have done for people to look too closely at me because then they would have seen what it was that I was so desperately trying to hide; my emotional instability and neediness. 

But then Barbara had happened. She crashed into my life and suddenly everything that I thought I knew was turned upside down, inside out and then swept clean away. I had no idea how she had managed to break down all of my defences and make a home for herself in my heart; and I really didn’t have any idea how she had managed to fight her way through the barricades without me even noticing she was trying, but fight through them she had, and once she was there it was too late to do anything about it. Neither Deborah or Helen had managed to touch me the way Barbara did. I started experiencing all of these strange feelings and emotions, and for a while they took a bit of getting used to. She made me smile, she made me worry, she confused and infuriated me, I could go from caring about her to be frustrated beyond belief by her attitude or her actions, and yet, even when I had thought that walking away from her would be the best thing for both of us, a part of me deep inside was dying at the thought of not being able to have her in my life. That was when I realised just how important she had become to me, and how much I had come to depend on her.

My train of thought was derailed by a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked up and there in front of me, in just a bra and panties, was the woman of my dreams.

“Are you okay Tommy? You seemed to have spaced out there for a while. Is there something bothering you?”

I put my hand on top of hers and squeezed it gently, before tugging her towards me so that she could sit on my lap.

“I was just thinking about you and how much you have changed me since you came into my life. I once tried to tell myself that I was no good for you, and that you would be so much better off without me. I tried to walk away from you and yet even as I was thinking about it my heart was screaming in agony at the thought of never being able to spend time with you again.”

“We both had to do a lot of soul searching in order to realise that we were better off together than apart. The intensity and speed that things happened between us was at times frightening, I had never fallen so hard or fast for someone, and that was without all the shit and bullets that I was dodging on a daily basis. But I knew that things would sort themselves out and I was right, I can’t even remember a time before you, and I am happy about that. What we have, what we share, most people can search a lifetime and never even come close. But I’m not stupid, and I know that there will be occasions when we bug the life out of one another, and we will argue and fight, but I also know that we will talk when we calm down, and we will sort things out, and we will make love to each other and the silly disagreements will be forgotten. I am in this for the long haul Tommy; once I stand up and say my vows I mean them. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, married to you, sharing everything with you, loving and supporting you. I want to be everything you need me to be.”

“That’s exactly what I want. When we say our vows, when we get married, that is it, there is no backing out, no running away when the going gets tough, we love one another and we never go to bed on an argument. I want to spend the rest of my time on this planet being your husband.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers still apply
> 
> Sorry for the delay in posting this last chapter - Fibromyalgia flare got in the way

Our marriage ceremony was short and sweet. We had literally grabbed two people off the street to be our witnesses as we had agreed that we didn’t want anyone we knew to share our day. Twenty minutes after we had gone into the room we came out as Mr and Mrs Lynley. Lord and Lady Asherton; good god that still seemed surreal. We said goodbye to the registrar and our witnesses, and then headed back to the car and to our home.

We only just about made it through the front door before his lips were upon mine. Somehow we managed to shut the door behind us and then, kissing and caressing, we stumbled upstairs towards the bedroom.

Tommy pinned me up against the wall, one hand sliding up and under the front of my shirt as I fought to get my hands between us so that I could wrestle with his zip. I could feel the heat from his fingers, branding my skin, marking me as his. Battle with his zip finally won, I slid my hand inside his trousers, stroking him tenderly through the soft cotton of his boxer shorts. He reached down and stilled my hand.

“If you keep that up my love, then I am going to come right where I stand.” His voice was low and husky, his mouth level with my ear, his breath hot against my skin.

“And that would be a bad thing how exactly?”

His eyes stared directly into mine, and I felt naked beneath their scrutiny. “When I come I want to be buried ball deep inside of you. I want us to be screaming the other’s name. This is the first time we have made love as husband and wife, and I need to be inside you when we come.”

I shivered with desire, “just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love you more.”

Tommy swept me into his arms and carried me over to the bed. He carefully lowered me onto it, before climbing up next to me. We kissed each other passionately, while somehow discarding our clothing.

When we broke for air he held my face in his hands, and I felt as if he was looking deep into my soul.

“I love you so much Mrs Lynley; no regrets.”

I smiled cheekily at him. “No, _Sir_ , none at all.” 

~*~

Barbara was curled up beside me, her head nestled on my shoulder and her right hand lying above my heart. I stroked my fingers up and down her spine.

“I never thought this would happen to me.”

I wasn’t sure what ‘this’ she was referring to, but before I could ask she continued.

“When we first met I was so angry because that was the only way I knew to protect myself; I couldn’t let anyone in because if I did they would either let me down, hurt me or leave me. I had resigned myself to a life alone, but then you came along.”

“You made an impact on me too.”

“And now look where we are. If someone had told you, the you that stood in that barn in Yorkshire, that one day we would be married, would you have believed them? I know I wouldn’t.”

“The me in that barn was a bit of an idiot.”

“Well the me then was a complete witch.”

“A broomstick would have been preferable to that car of yours!”

“Oi!” Barbara playfully slapped me.

“Sorry, but you have to admit it’s the truth.” I pressed a gentle kiss into her hair. 

“That depends on the broomstick. Anyway, as I was saying, I never thought that I would get married, and certainly not to you. It’s funny how life throws you a curve ball and that curve ball ends up being the best thing that ever happened to you. You’ve always been there for me; you’ve supported me, risked your career for me, and picked me up when I fell, so thank you.”

“We balanced each other, and we still do. You stuck by me when you didn’t have to, you listened to me, told me, usually in no uncertain terms, when I was being an idiot, cleaned up my messes, and carried me when I didn’t think I had the strength to go on. I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for you; you make me a better man.”

“I love the man you are; I love every single part of you.”

“Even the poncy Lord Asherton part?”

Barbara lifted her head to look me in the eye; “especially the poncy Lord Asherton part. We’re not so different Tommy; life hasn’t been kind to either of us. We’ve fought, we’ve cried, we’ve argued, we’ve laughed, and yet through it all we have had each other, to talk to and to lean on. You are the best part of me.”

“And you are the best part of me.”


End file.
